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Sandbox > Unitarian Universalist Jokes

Many of these jokes are collected in the fine volume The Church Where People Laugh by Gwen Foss. They're full of unwarranted stereotypes suggesting that all UUs are flaky, coffee-swilling environmentally fanatical atheists ... as a UU, I find them hilarious.

You May Be A Unitarian Universalist If...


The many answers to ...
Q: What is a Unitarian Universalist?
A: Someone who believes in life before death.
A: An atheist with children.
A: Just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
A: Someone who approaches every question with an open mouth.
A: Unitarian means one, and Universalist means everything, so a UU is someone who believes in one of everything.

The many answers to ...
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; we accept the light bulb the way it is.
A: There is no fixed number but the committee must have a quorum.
A: None; UUs aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What does a UU say when someone sneezes?
A: Oooh, ick! Get away! Germs!

Q: Why are UUs the worst hymn singers?
A: Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.

Q: Why don't the UUs have church during the summer?
A: God trusts them.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door and asks you what YOU believe.

Q: What do UUs and Dracula have in common?
A: They both have origins in Transylvania and they both shy away from the cross.

Q: What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
A: All dressed up with no place to go.

Q: How do you drive a Unitarian Universalist out of town?
A: Burn a question mark on their front lawn.

Q: What do Unitarian Universalists believe in?
A: Recycling!

Q: How does the Unitarian Universalist Association excommunicate members?
A: Take away their coffee.

Q: What's the difference between a Unitarian and a Universalist?
A: Universalists think that God is too good to send them to hell. Unitarians think that they are too good for God to send them to hell.

Q. How do we know Jesus was not a UU?
A. Because if he was, there would have been 24 co-disciples.

Q: Do UUs ever pray?
A: Only when they think a Democrat is going to lose an election.

Q: Do UUs believe that god answers prayers?
A: Yes, all of them--the answer is either yes or no.

Q: What does it mean if you see a UU kneeling with her head bowed?
A: It means that she is tying her shoelace.

Q: How can you tell if UU is having a good time?
A: His mouth is moving.

Q: What are the Unitarian Universalist sacraments?
A: Doubt, Argument, and Voting.

Q: What's the definition of UU diversity?
A: Four colors of Priuses in the church parking lot.

Q: What do you get if you put two Unitarian Universalists together?
A: Three opinions.

Q: How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist?
A: You can't; they already know it all.

Did you hear about the latest UU miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a block of tofu.

Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud-wrestling a pig: Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.

A Unitarian Universalist died, and to his surprise discovered that there was indeed an afterlife. The angel in charge of these things told him, "Because you were an unbeliever and a doubter and a skeptic, you will be sent to Hell for all eternity -- which, in your case, consists of a place where no one will disagree with you ever again!"

I'm not even sure if I am a UU. I suppose that removes all doubt.

UU Prayer: "Dear God, if there is a God, if you can, save my soul, if I have a soul."

UUs address prayers, "To whom it may concern."

The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?"

"I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply.

"But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher.

"They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done."

A sign at a UU church read: "Bible Study after service today. Bring your own bible and a pair of scissors."

A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?"

"I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage.

"Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!"

In one small New England town, there were two churches--one Universalist and one Evangelical. When asked why such a small community needed two churches, a resident explained, "One says there ain't no hell, and the other says the hell there ain't!"
A scandalized fundamentalist once asked a UU, "You really don't believe in God? Why not?!"

"For the same reason you don't believe in any of the OTHER gods," the UU replied.

A fundamentalist Christian asserted to a UU, "I hear you deny the divinity of Christ".

"That's untrue!" said the UU, "We don't deny the divinity of anyone."

A Unitarian Universalist was worried, and confided to another UU, "I want to invite a friend to the Sunday service, but our minister uses that J-word so much I'm afraid it will make my friend feel uncomfortable."

"When has our minister ever mentioned Jesus?" asked the other.

"I meant 'Justice'."

For Jews, the deity is YHWH. For UU's, it's YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary).

The clergy in other denominations have a hard time figuring us out. One time at an ecumenical service the Episcopal rector said, "Let us pray. And for you Unitarians, do whatever it is you do."

There are very few Unitarians in Wyoming, and recently when one died the family approached a Methodist Minister and asked her if she could perform the service. She said she would be happy to do so, but first, in order to be on the safe side, she had to contact her bishop in Denver for permission. A few days later she received a reply, "Permission granted. Bury all the Unitarians you want!"

Two UUs were sitting at the back of the room at a particularly raucous congregational meeting. One turned to the other and said: "Nobody will mistake us for an organized religion!"

At one Sunday morning service, in one of the big Unitarian churches in Boston, a man was making a ruckus in the back pew. After every sentence the minister spoke, he would shout, "Amen! Halleluia!"

One of the ushers approached the man and spoke to him discreetly. "Sir, uh, we just don't do things like that in this church."

"But I got religion!"

"Well, you certainly didn't get it here!"

A Jew, a Catholic and a UU were discussing how their congregations take the collection. The Jew said, "We draw a circle on the ground and throw the money up into the air, and whatever falls inside the circle we give to God."

The Catholic said, "We draw a circle on the ground and throw the money up into the air, and whatever falls outside the circle we give to God."

The UU said, "We just throw the money up into the air, and figure that whatever God wants, he keeps."

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, "Call a priest!"

The woman opened her eyes and said, "I'm a Unitarian."

"Then call a math teacher!"


I told somebody I was a Unitarian once, they said "hey, isn't that that thing in the science museum with the stars in the ceiling and-" "No that's a planetarium."
- Leanna Balloffet

A Unitarian very earnestly disbelieves in almost everything that anybody else believes, and he has a very lively sustaining faith in he doesn't quite know what.
- Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

"The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian."
- Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H 4077

Unitarians don't want salvation, they want closure.
- Garrison Keillor

During the last hours of his life, Unitarian Henry David Thoreau was questioned about his beliefs by a concerned neighbor, who asked, "Have you made peace with your maker?"

"I never quarreled with my maker," Thoreau replied.

The neighbor persisted, "Aren't you concerned about the hereafter?"

To this Thoreau answered, "One world at a time."

Famous Universalist minister Hosea Ballou argued with a Methodist colleague over the issue of eternal damnation. The Methodist asserted, "if I were a Universalist and feared not the fires of hell, I could hit you over the head, steal your horse and saddle and ride away, and I'd still go to heaven!"

Ballou answered, "If you were a Universalist, the idea would never occur to you!"

Humorous Hymns

A UU Easter Hymn: Jesus Christ May or May Not Have Risen Today
Jesus Christ may or may not have risen today,
Whether or not he did is pretty difficult to say,
Let's discuss all sides of the issue thoroughly,
We can take a vote! And then we'll see,
--From christian humor magazine The Door
A UU Christmas Hymn: Gods Rest Ye, Unitarians
Gods rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay;
Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas Day;
When Christ was born is just not known, no matter what they say,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Our current Christmas customs come from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East.
This whole darn Christmas spiel is just another pagan feast,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angels' song;
There could not have been wise men for the trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact!

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